insidethefridge

As inspired by girlyunderwear

1. Adult Acne

Sometimes when I look in the mirror I have to ask myself some serious questions like: Am I sixteen or twenty-six? Did I fall asleep with my head on a pillow, or face down in a pizza box? You think at this point in your life, you’d be done with the rites that are mostly reserved for puberty, but no. With the money I’ve wasted on copious amounts of face washes, creams, masks and tubes of zap-zit in the last few years, I probably could have put a down payment on a house by now.

2. Turn The Page, Wash Your Hands

People who lick their fingers every time they turn a page of a book; I never really understood this particular phenomenon and why it occurs. To me it just seems unsanitary, unnecessary, and like a great way to improve your risk of paper cuts. Is turning a page that hard? It’s a piece of paper for Christ sake; do you really need the extra help of a slightly salivated and sticky finger to assist in this menial process?

3. Facebook Status Updates

I am talking about the kind of status updates regarding people’s achievements in Farmville, Family Feud, the Oregon Trail, or any other game. Believe it or not, I don’t give a shit about the fact you found a lonely brown cow, or if you need assistance coming up with “things you might find in a night stand” (Survey says lube). Likewise I also don’t give a what if Johnny has dysentery, or that you finally reached Chimney Rock.

Note: I am guilty of playing these games too; I just choose not to clog my friends newsfeeds with this information. You can opt out of doing this...you know - unless you’re into sadistic torture.

4. Trending Topics

Trending Topics make me lose faith in humanity, and kind of make me want to remove my eyeballs with a spoon. According to Wikipedia (the most reliable source of all times) trending topics are words, phrases or topics that are popular either through a concerted effort by users or because of an event that prompts people to talk about one specific topic. Basically it’s what is important to the general population at a given time. Let’s examine some of the trending topics today - we’ve got: Kim Kardashian. John Edwards, Silverchair, and “#reasonswhyimsingle” (to name a few). I’ll tell you why you’re single: you listen to Silverchair. Never mind actual matters of importance, I heard Kim K got engaged to her basketball beau today!

5. Big Words

I don’t need to use big words to prove that I’m smart. I graduated Magna Cum Laude without attending class on an even semi-regular basis, so I’d go ahead and say I have some degree of natural intelligence. I’m more apt to tell my friends that my day “sucked a dick” when asked than exclaim: “Well my distinguished comrades, my day was one conundrum after another! I’m feeling quite capricious and despondent.” If I need to carry a pocket thesaurus in order to carry a conversation with you, I’m less than interested.

Being back at Goddard feels great. There's something to be said about being in the middle of nowhere and I've felt more at peace and happier here than I've felt in months. I'm busy, I'm productive, and all of the concerns and anxieties that have plagued me have dissipated to all but nothing. I wake up early. I talk to people and I get inspired. I lay on the grass and remember how much I love the feeling of the sun on my face. I've napped, I've been able to relax. I've done enough yoga to confirm I still don't like it. I've had amazing conversations with extraordinary people. I've never felt more confident personally and professionally. I'm way ahead of myself as far as academics go, so I'm free to enjoy the seminars and workshops as I please and make actual choices in regards to what I'm going to/not going to attend.

I can't explain what happens here, and you'll never understand unless you're a part. I look forward to coming here like I used to look forward to coming to summer camp. I know it's going to surface, the fact that I have to leave this place and merge back into what has become of my real life. It's ideal. There is indeed, something special that happens here that most people will not understand. Every time I try to explain it, it becomes minimized. We become each others everything for eight days, and we fall apart together; it's all part of the process. We become better people for it, and we will be better therapists for it. I went to graduation today and the entire thing reinforced exactly why I am here, and made me want to be the person at the podium more than anything. I even thought about what my closing remarks would be; it's still two years off - what is my thesis going to focus on, who am I going to thank?

What is my life going to look like when I graduate? It's already been flipped around upside down and I'm not sure how I am going to handle what is ahead of me, let alone what will things look like one residency from now, or two?

I don't believe in New Years resolutions; never have. I'm one of those people that says cliche things like, "You shouldn't resolve to be a better person just because it's a new year-it's something you should be working on all the time." In any event, 2011 has gotten off to a rocky start. It just seems like everything is erring on the side of sucking (for a lack of better adjective). My life has been a joke lately, and I'm patiently waiting for the punch-line.

In more exciting news, I came to the office in a see-through shirt today. I have a tendency to wake up about ten minutes before I have to leave as of late and I threw on a new white thermal-esque type shirt. It probably wouldn't have been as tragic if I wasn't wearing a black bra. Whatever, every office needs a whore. Luckily, especially since it was company meeting day, I had a zip-up hoodie in my office and was able to avert crisis. I'm pretty sure about half the company would have fainted at the sheer sight of my boobs. Seeing as the majority of my coworkers are men. Dorky men who probably don't see bras/boobies often.

This blog entry is rough. All it's got is boobs and pessimism. Oh well, at least there's boobs.

The other day I was marinating the idea of posting an entry similar to my last, but naming my least favorite things of 2010. I came up with a few on the spot: iPads, Bristol Palin, Justin Bieber's hair, the TV show Glee, and Betty White being in everything I watched. Don't get me wrong, I love Betty and have since the Golden Girls. One time when my friend in college was having a bad trip I even turned on the Golden Girls to soothe her. Apparently watching the four white haired vixens wasn't the remedy, as she exclaimed in horror that their "faces were melting."

I digress. As I didn't feel I had enough dislikes of 2010, I turned to google for inspiration. I then stumbled across this: Worst show (2010): Jersey Shore (MTV). "Only in America do we pay a bunch of egotistical boneheads to have sex, get drunk, and brawl on camera -- and call it entertainment." Now I understand in theory, on paper...really however you look at it-Jersey Shore is a horrible piece of TV programming. There's also a good chance if someone had described the concept of such a show before it's conception, I would have immediately ruled it out as something I had no interest in watching. But somehow I got sucked into it with the rest of the world, when MTV seemed to reel us all in by simply refusing to play anything else besides Jersey Shore marathons. After deep consideration of the aforementioned statement, I believe whoever it was that declared the show the worst of 2010, really meant to say it was the best.

What's not to love about the rag-tag gang at the Jersey Shore? You've got Sammi the Sweetheart (whose actually a huge bitch), and her pussy whipped sidekick Ron. I don't actually mind them much, and I always look forward to their dramatics. When they are getting along-they are actually pretty boring. As much as Sam annoys me she is the most attractive girl in the house, which is why I thought it was ludicrous when she was contemplating hooking up with the "Situation" in the first few episodes. The only situation he has as far as I'm concerned is that it looks like he has gotten beat in the face by a tire iron. I don't care about his washboard abs, they don't do shit for his personality or cranial region. Paulie D has become one of my true loves at the Jersey Shore. Mostly because of the turrets he has apparently developed over the last season that make him create great jingles such as "tee-shirt time" "the cabs are here!" and "burgers for the boys!" My sister-friend Karen was once in a car in Providence Rhode Island where they pulled up alongside a guy on a motorcycle with spinners that looked suspiciously like Paulie D. They rolled down the window and asked "Are you Paulie D?" to which he replied "Yea, so what?" and then proceeded to peel off through a red light. So Perfect. Another JS housemate who has got a spot in my heart is J-Wow. I've referred to her before as my "trush" (combination of words "trashy" and "crush"). For some reason I'd really enjoy getting drunk at the Jersey Shore house and making out with her in the hot tub a little bit-only if it has been chlorinated prior of course. Then there's Snookie. She eats pickles erotically, walks around making noises that are nonsensical that sound like a cross between my cat Tucker and a retarded baby, not to mention when she throws in random back walkovers and handsprings when she's dancing at the club. I also cry laughing every time they show a preview for the new season where she's totally wasted running down the boardwalk screaming "WHERE'S THE BEACH!?" In fact, I cried just now thinking about it. Then there's Vinny. I'd say he's the most normal of the bunch, if you can even use the word "normal" in correlation with the show, and I'm always rooting for him in the corner. When he got stood up (twice) by Ramona, I nearly went down to Miami beach to take care of her myself. I could talk about Angelina, but I find it really hard too because I hate her. My favorite Angelina moment was in the recent episode when she left the show for the SECOND time and Vinny said "Alright Kim Kardashian- you're more like the Rob Kardashian of Staten Island you ugly bitch!" (After she had dubbed herself the Kim Kardashian of Staten Island-you don't "dub" yourself, stupid).

It hasn't been hard to suffer through the JS withdrawls, because I can watch the re-runs of Jenny and Sam ripping off each other's acrylic nails time and time again. My favorite fight was probably where Snookie fought Angelina and no one tried to break it up, they just moved furniture around them so they wouldn't break it and watched.

I don't know about you, but I can't wait till Thursday night when I can get my fix of blow-outs, poofs, and house beats once again. God bless you MTV, I am so DTF.


The cast.

1. Flannel. You would think as someone who idolized lesbians from an early age and ultimately was one, I would have had a much earlier introduction to the world of flannel shirts. However, 2010 will always be remembered fondly as the true beginning of my love affair with flannels. I knew I had a problem this morning when I realized that none of my flannels were clean and in turn, felt legitimately depressed. Also, I asked Santa for some new flannels for Christmas (specifically one that included a hood), and I am hoping he’ll deliver. If not, I swear I’ll stop believing.

2. Secret Clinical Strength Deodorant. I’m not one of those girls thats going to pretend she doesn’t sweat, fart, or poop. I do all of the above and often. I’ve tried just about every deodorant on the face of the planet throughout my adult life and when someone suggested I upgrade to this bad boy shortly after it came out, I thought: “Oh great another crap-stick that’s not going to work.” I was glad to be proved wrong on this was, as much fun as it was to pit out every shirt I own.

3.Boots. This year also marked my obsession with boots. Specially these boots:



These boots were like a gift from God, or actually: Jess Lakoff. Lucky for me, but not her, after arriving from ebay she discovered they were much too large for her dainty little feet. Since I have the feet of a Sasquatch, I happily acquired these boots-which I’m aware in this picture look as though they belong on a homeless person. These babies are the real deal. I imagine they were handcrafted one magical night when some elves snuck into a shoemakers shop.

4. Netflix. Some people think that kinship with other people brings joy to their lives. You know what’s brought joy to my life? I’ll give you a hint: It involves on demand episodes of such TV Classics as: Angry Beavers, Hey Arnold, Chappelle’s Show, Strangers with Candy, Arrested Development, 30 Rock, Upright Citizen’s Brigade, Mystery Science Theater, and of course: gratuitous re-runs of the L word. Be still my beating heart.

5. Pandora. So what if Pandora has existed since 2005? One of my constant favorites in life is discovering new music, and Pandora just makes this hobby of mine oh so easy. In the old fashioned days you had to discover music as it came at you or sit in a record store for hours on end listening to these old things called “compact discs.” I am a huge fan of anything that does the work for me, and Pandora does just that.

6.The Internets. The internets has come quite a long way since my parents installed AOL 2.0 on our ginormous PC. Remember how long that shit took to boot up? And the horrible noises it made? It was impossible to sneak on late night at my house as the booting up process sounded like an alien was trying to make communications with your computer. As much as I scoffed at the fact Mark Zuckerburg got TIMES “Person of the Year" this year, realistically I have to hand it to him. Facebook, that damn thing, has completely changed how we network and communicate with people. I’ve connected/reconnected with people I never would have otherwise. It would also be ridiculous of me if I didn’t mention my quasi obsession with YouTube. Since I started last year I’ve made over 60 videos and have upwards of 1,000 subscribers who listen to me inanely babble every week.

7. Powder Skis. Since I made the switch from snowboarding to skiing several years ago, I’ve been skiing K2’s One Love. While they were suitable for the first two seasons, I now liken them to riding a tricycle when you should have taken the wheels off a long time ago. A few weeks ago, on a November powder day, I demoed the Rossingnol Vodoo Pro BC 110’s. Besides the fact that’s an incredibly unnecessarily long name for a pair of skis, the experience now makes me cringe when I have to put my K2’s on. Luckily, the holidays are afoot and since my parents are incapable of buying me anything slightly relevant to my life, they will be hopefully be giving me the moneys that will translate to new skis.

8. Higher Education. I don’t like doing the work, and I don’t like the idea of paying back my loans-But I do like the fact that when it’s all done and over I will finally have a job that won’t make me want to punch babies in their faces. I also couldn’t have found a more ideal program than Goddard if I tried. I mean Phish went there, and look how good they turned out. Really there’s no connection in that, as I don’t think having my LPC will entitle me to tour the United States and sell out stadiums-just wanted to throw that in somewhere. I make no apologies.

9. Spandex. I started wearing spandex again this year, for the first time since I was forced into doing dance lessons as a child. Thank god this got cool this year, because I was more than happy to jump on the train with this one. Something about spandex. Maybe it's the fact I can spontaneously kick in ways that regular jeans would never allow me too. Also when I'm feeling especially lazy after a night out, I can sleep in them. That being said, I do NOT support jeggings.

I will not be one of those people who only talks about grad school. I will not be one of those people who only talks about grad school. I will not be one of those people who only talks about grad school.

When I got back from my residency I was so overwhelmed and exhausted that I proceeded to put off my actual "start date" an entire week. I'm not proud of it. To make matters even worse when I finally sat down and opened my first book the words all blurred together and failed to make any sense. However, after a rousing pep talk from Katie (where she said "I believe in you!" and it sounded like she actually said "I'm leaving you!" in a really peppy and energetic voice) I finally sat down and thanks to some delicious tea and the promise of an back massage once I got started, read some of my book.

It was a small step, and I know I am very lucky to have a partner who will kick my butt into gear and remind me how badly I want this in the midst of me feeling very melodramatic and overwhelmed. I think I'm expecting too much of myself...I haven't even thought about that great world of academia since I left it over three years ago. I should be having a hard time. I should be rusty. It should be like pulling teeth to change everything about the way I've been living my life in the last several years and to rearrange the "priorities" I had before. The thought of APA papers should make me want to throw up a little in my mouth (although that statement may be a little over the top). And working full-time? Yeah, loving that. That's absolutely the most frustrating part for me. I award a sparkly and fantastic gold medal to other graduate students that are taking the same endeavor under their belt and somewhat succeeding in that. Being that I'm pretty much 'tapped-out' by the time I get home, the last thing I want to do is pour the small amount of energy I have left into school. But I will.

Katie laid next to me while I did my work and later told me that I was sexy when I read, and that she liked to watch my hands turn the pages. I am so blessed to have her. Despite wanting what I'm working towards so bad, I need her right now. I need her to remind me that after a horrible day at work, that I am doing something so important for myself and failure is not an option. I need her to remind me that I am a competent human being who is capable of doing this. I need her to remind me that I'm Good Enough, I'm Smart Enough, and Doggone It, People Like Me! (If you pegged that as a old school SNL Stuart Smalley reference, you get five points in my book). I'm always awkward at ending anything I'm writing.

The longer I've waited to write this, the more the words I had to describe my experience have gotten away. I recently decided to go back to school. I stumbled across randomly, and then choose, a low-residency option to get my Master's in Counseling Psychology. The program differs greatly from the typical online program in that every semester requires an intensive 8 day on-site residency, and there's a large amount of actual interaction between peers and faculty.

After a day of flying and a really awkward taxi ride with a surprisingly homophobic cab driver, I arrived at Goddard. I had NO clue what to expect, nothing. It was pitch black and I was handed a room key and told most students would be arriving the following morning. When I woke up, I finally saw the campus that had been only shadows when I arrived the night before. A bit of history: The land that the school resides on what was a "gentleman's farm" in the 1900's. The buildings are incredible; and most are maintained with the historic integrity they once had. It's beautiful, and at the same time a little haunting.

I'm already having trouble paraphrasing and deciding where to go next. The residency itself was a variety of workshops, seminars, and meetings. The overall "goal" of the stay was to get us (new students) acclimated and up to speed with how the program operates. As for tasks, we were expected to have our course contracts and study as a whole plans done by the end of the week. Course contracts are basically our syllabuses which we create and then get approved by whatever mentor we choose to use as a facilitator. If you didn't get the gist, there's a lot of choice involved in the program. There are obviously core courses, state licensing requirements to fulfill, and faculty preferences; so it's not as though I can sing and dance my way through graduate school and end up with a degree at the end. This semester I am taking: 1) Social and Cultural Foundations with a focus in Counseling the Culturally Diverse. 2) The Biological Basis of Behavior with a focus the Biological Basis of Substance Abuse. 3) Human Development with a focus on the development of Sexual Orientation and 4) Ethics & Professional Practice with a focus on Ethical Boundaries. For most of my classes I am doing a standard 30 page APA style paper, but I was able to mix in personal elements and reflective pieces as well as creative components.

It was a week of trying new things. Besides trying Salmon and Kale, I also tried meditation and yoga. I woke up at 6:45 am to go to "Nia" which I can only describe as a sort of dance/yoga/martial arts hybrid. I learned about using movement and expressive arts as part of therapeutic practice. I did a fair amount of both talking and listening (but probably more of the first). I met more new people than I can articulate. I think Jenn became my official partner in crime within the first five minutes I met her. She was such an important part of my entire experience there. We were each others cheerleaders but more than that we were genuinely connected. Even from 2,000+ miles she has checked in with me multiple times since we parted ways and continues to be a source of inspiration. I hope that two years from now we'll be finishing out this program together. I also met a girl who literally lives off of the same street as me (a few blocks down), in Salt Lake. We have a shared love of beer and buffalo wings, and I hope our brief stint in Vermont together translates into an actual friendship here.

I definitely thrive on in a group setting and almost foolishly get very attached to that sense of community. Goddard was a warm lovely bubble to me and I found the real world to be quite harsh upon my return. It's also a hard thing to describe to someone so I've had to process the entire thing internally. I was beyond thrilled to go back to my lovely girlfriend, four-legged babies, and my comfortable bed...but I actually miss Goddard. But just a little.

It's been a short eternity. I can't help that I have one million and two (if we're being exact) side projects that I've created for myself. That include but aren't limited to:

Being a graduate student
Making art
Making love
Youtubin'
Collabin' on Youtube
Making a website
Ukulele-ing
Playing Nintendo non-stop
Workin'
Leaving the "g" out of things (apparently)
Closing in on an imminent mental breakdown
...

I attempted to do this 30 day "meme" BS. First of all I hate the word "meme", and second: I thought it would help me write more, but instead I grew less and less interested about answering the questions and got little value out of it. I hope at least some of the people who read my journal, all 3 of you, gained some insight into my life or at least enjoyed a good laugh. However from now on I'm going to just do what I was doing prior and just write.

I'm afraid to go back to school. If my brain is a muscle that needs exercise, I feel as though I've let it get dull and flabby. I can hardly construct a meaningful sentence these days and I constantly feel as though I'm losing my mind. Okay that sounds a little dramatic but really, I lose my keys as soon as I put them down somewhere-how the hell am I supposed to complete a Master's Degree. End of rant.

I took up mountain biking, and then mountain biking took me down. Seriously. We were doing a trail that I felt completely unprepared for, not to mention that I am riding a "sort of" mountain bike with kind of horrible tires. I was struggling the entire time and should have listened to my instincts that kept telling me to turn around. Well I didn't and I fell and split my elbow mentioned and scraped up the left side of my body. I don't even want to talk about how Katie then had to put my open wound under a running facet and clean out the dirt and gravel. It's been a gross oozing mess for two days and I am very much looking forward to it's imminent healing.

I understand the topic "a moment" could really lead you anywhere. Of course, the first thing that comes to mind are recent moments. Instead of writing about one, I'm going to reflect on several from this week.

Letting go on my moutain bike for the first time and absolutely flying down the trail.

Getting in my car and having it not start; riding my bike to work instead.

Watching Alex's botched base jump on video and wondering how the hell he was still alive.

Drinking too many Jack and Coke's last night.

Buying a hat that I couldn't decide if I liked or not, than having Koda eat it.

Snuggling Katie instead of eating lunch.

Chatting with Jayme for the first time in ever.

Laughing with Katie about stupid stuff on Sunday and recording it.

Watching it back and thinking we are really funny and kind of perfect.

The burrito I ate Tuesday night, and how it was the best burrito ever after a 4 hour bike ride.